WASHINGTON, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE — The Office of Super Intelligence announced Tuesday that anyone who continues to use the term “Artificial Intelligence” will henceforth be classified as “Donald Trump.”

Within fifteen minutes, the new definition generated 47 million Donald Trumps. Administration officials hailed the figure as evidence of the president’s unprecedented ability to expand, while the Census Bureau requested an entirely separate column for people named Donald Trump.

Scientists reminded officials that renaming a technology does not substitute for model testing, performance benchmarks or peer-reviewed research. The White House responded that it was studying whether those terms could be renamed as well.

NEW YORK, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE — An international students’ council has opened a formal residency review involving a man named Donald Trump under its newly adopted Campus Living Standards Act.

The council cited his failure to present a valid student visa and his habit of interrupting quiet study sessions to announce that he is the smartest person in the room. Officials said the conduct was incompatible with the library’s posted noise limits.

The council emphasized that Mr. Trump may appeal. He must, however, submit the appeal in his own handwriting, without assistance from anyone assigned to read it aloud.

WASHINGTON, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE — The administration announced its Great Return Program, which will award every eligible supporter a one-time rebate of negative five thousand dollars.

The Treasury Department described the initiative as both generous and fiscally responsible. Every recipient receives a rebate on paper, while the federal government receives money in practice. Accountants called it a breakthrough in the art of giving with one hand and invoicing with the other.

Asked when the payment would arrive, a spokesperson replied: “It already has. The direction may be different from what you expected.”

MARYLAND, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE — Researchers compared the performance of the same computer while its software was labeled “AI” and “SI,” using a controlled protocol and precisely the same hardware.

After 300,000 repeated trials, the researchers found no statistically meaningful difference. “Changing the label does not upgrade the processor,” the project director said, before asking whether the findings might be eligible for a grant under their original name.

An unnamed office suggested rebranding the zero-percent improvement as an “unlimited-potential growth rate.” The scientists said they would stick with zero.

WASHINGTON, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE — A newly established Presidential Language Innovation Commission will determine which spelling errors qualify as historic reforms of American English.

Under the proposal, teachers would have to distinguish ordinary misspellings from presidential innovations that arrived ahead of their time. Dictionaries would be issued as live subscriptions with push notifications for each new presidential adjective.

A worried teacher asked how students could prepare for examinations. “English won’t become more difficult,” a commissioner replied. “The correct answers will simply change every day.”

OTTAWA, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE — Canadian officials unveiled a new border levy on unusually large shipments of unverified self-praise carried across the United States border.

The tariff applies when a statement contains more than three instances of self-congratulation without supporting documentation. Credits are available for travelers who use expressions such as “please,” “thank you” or “I may have misunderstood.”

Border agents reported shorter queues after several visitors tried the revolutionary technique of allowing another person to finish a sentence.

NEW YORK, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE — Financial executives are considering a terminology overhaul under which negative returns would be officially described as “downward growth.”

Analysts said the phrase could make quarterly presentations sound more optimistic, although investors would still lose precisely the same amount of money. A pilot program replaced red arrows with arrows described as “energetically southbound.”

The exchange issued a brief statement: “We can change a chart’s font. We cannot change arithmetic.”

WASHINGTON, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE — Congress convened a special committee to investigate whether the institutions that fact-check political claims have themselves been adequately fact-checked.

At the opening hearing, a lawmaker questioned whether the agenda was authentic. Another proposed an independent review of that question, followed by a procedural motion to verify the reviewers’ credentials.

Nine hours later, the chair declared a major bipartisan achievement: the members had established, with broad consensus, that the table in front of them was a table.

MEOW PLANET, IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE — The World Cat Federation issued an emergency communiqué redefining “AI” to mean “Absolutely Irresistible.” The organization declined to explain why it was necessary, citing its right to ignore humans.

Under the new certification standard, no system may call itself superintelligent unless it can correctly interpret a kitten’s head tilt, recognize that a closed door is a constitutional crisis and open a can without making unnecessary noise.

The press conference ended before reporters asked their first question. The spokesperson had fallen asleep in a sunbeam.